New Glasses

I can see clearly now,

the pain is gone.

-Carol king

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

For the most part, I am proud of my military record.  In addition to the fact that not only did America remain unconquered from without, but we also won all our wars while I was serving.  However, what has amazed me the most is that I was the first Warrant Officer Candidate to be allowed full-time prescription glasses.  This may not sound like a big deal; but according to the regulations, all WOC's must have 20/20 vision when they show up at Ft. Rucker.  But, another regulation says that all application requirements may be waived once a Candidate has one hour of flight time.  The trick was getting through the flight physicals, and knowing how to read the regulations to your advantage if need be.

I had four US. Army flight physicals prior to beginning my flight training.  In all of these there was some question of my eye tests.  They were all "close" but not quite 20/20.  When told of this  genetic imperfection, I suggested to the eye tech “come on, just this once.”  Agreeing, I was approved for flight training.  

While flying one day, my instructor noticed that I was squinting and recommended I get an eye exam.  An eye exam?!  This was considered sudden death for any WOC.  There were no WOC's with glasses.  They just disappeared, like characters in a Solzhenitsyn novel.  

By this time, I had already made a “name” for myself around Ft. Rucker, and I lived in terror until the day I left for California that it would catch up to me. However, I had learned by this time to read regulations and find loopholes that I could exploit.  The powers-that-be couldn't really get rid of me without a fight and this is where regulation-reading would come in to play.

At this point, and “for my own good”, the Sr. TAC officer decided to make yet another example of me.  Only this time I didn't have to march all night in the rain or do push-ups until I threw up.  He got me an emergency appointment and told me not to show my face until it had some Army glasses on it.

In an un-Army like show of efficiency and compassion, I got my examination and glasses in about two hours and reported to the Sr. TAC.  This was done in WOC fashion of course, by slapping his door frame three times and shouting SIR!CANDIDATEWATERS!REPORTINGASORDEREDSIR!”  

Waters, how come you check in with 20/20 and four months later you need glasses?  He asked with a tone of voice somewhere between concerned father and a Pirannha.  I didn't know.  I had no GOOD explanation, so trying to deflect this line of questioning I panicked. I gave him the first one that popped into my head.  Well, Sir, I've been away from home a long time.  And since I've been gone, well I play with myself a lot more...an' well you know what they say....SIR!  

Trying to maintain composure, neither laugh nor exploding, he asked me in that special TAC Officer way to please leave his office two minutes ago.  

The next day, while unsuccessfully trying to sneak out of the company area unnoticed, the Sr. TAC asked me to please explain to the TAC Officers he was talking with, why I needed glasses.  I may not have had 20/20 vision, but I could see a set-up coming.  So, trying to sound as "military" as possible I began:  Sirs, they way I understand the flight surgeon is this:  I have an astigmatism in my left eye, and because my right eye is trying to compensate, the resulting strain has weakened it as well.  That is why I need glasses, Sir.  His face fallen and slightly confused, the Sr. TAC asked me What about playing with yourself Waters?  

Pardon me Sir? I replied, trying to look innocent.  

Since you've been away from home, you play with yourself, right?  The Officers with him were starting to look uncomfortable.  To them, these were pretty personal questions to be asking a WOC, even though it was back in the days when hazing of Candidates was still allowed.  To me, this was just another day at the office.  Realizing he had been hoist by his own petard, the Sr. TAC asked me to wait for him in his office.  Shall I do push ups while I wait Sir?  He only grunted something but by then I had already double-timed half way across the parking lot.

He arrived at his office 125 push ups behind me.  Lowering himself to ground level, he asked me why I had answered as I did.  I replied that I did not know these officers and did not want to say anything unprofessional in front of them as it would look bad for the company.  He thanked me for my concern for the company's reputation, and promised me that for the duration of my tour of duty there, he would pay special attention to me.  

Like I said, just another day at the office.  The special attention was limited to be asked for the next week at roll call why I needed glasses. So, each time I would answer at the top of my lungs: "SIR!CANDIDATEWATERSAIRASSAULTSIR!INEEDGLASSESBECAUSEIPLAYWITHMYESLFSIR!  
This created a certain amount of notoriety for me.  Officers from other companies would come by to watch.  Besides, according to the WOC guide, “Admissions of a personal nature, before the company” counted as “Displays of Moral Courage”, and worth four merits per display.  If needed, this could be used for the old “Mental Distress” plea; a good trump card to hold on to.

The special attention dropped off the next week, when five other candidates went for eye exams and came back with glasses.  
I was finally able to fade back into the crowd unseen.

© Ronn L. Waters 1994